There's always a lighter side to counter darkness. Atleast you can have a smile on your face when u expire.

Wednesday 20 June, 2007

Screw acads, bring on the booze and the babes

Let's start outside of India, in one of those western countries, say America. "God bless America," as all Americans say, though i wonder why no one else uses it for their own country. Maybe the Americans need the blessings. But that's beside the point. Take the average American kid. He has a beautiful 2-story house, with a basement or garage, a lawn, 2 cars, a swimming pool perhaps, a sister, a PlayStation, two gameboys, of which one doesn't work, hence the other, and one parent preferably divorced. He has blond hair, blue eyes, and for simplicity's sake we shall refer to him as Little Johnny. Little Johnny goes to the local public school, plays football well, and does average when it comes to academics (because he is an average boy, and because they have relative grading there). But there has to be a reason why Little Johnny never does above average, or why he can't count till he is in the sixth grade. And that's because Little Johnny isn't as little as people thought he was. He has been getting some action behind the scenes, even though he isn't old enough to produce his own sperm. So Little Johnny is now Johnny. At the unripe, premature age of twelve, Johnny has been indulging in activities that the average Indian still dreams of at twenty, when their cobras are of no use and have started to wrinkle up due to lack of exercise. Of course, Johnny gets caught violating a classmate of his, sometimes of the same sex depending on how sloshed he is, but life still goes on for him. After all, what can the parent do, he/she doesn't really care about Johnny. The parent is not capable of handling situations like this, that's why the divorce. Plus Johnny owns a knife by now, and it's never a good idea to provoke someone who has a knife. So there goes Johnny scot-free trying out booze, dope and new girls every night. By the time he is in the 10th grade, he is capable of seducing a random hot girl; most of them are hot over there, into letting him use them to satisfy his regular spikes of testosterone and excitement. The time it takes for him to accomplish this varies directly with the proximity of the nearest toilet. He bunks school, drops out of college, or sometimes doesn't even make it, shoots someone, usually his teacher, manages to get a job that most Indians would envy, gets married, has more sex, not with his wife, and then gets himself killed in a war or some terrorist attack.
Compare that with the average Indian kid. He lives in an apartment, in a crowded noisy city, has one car, seven siblings, two parents, three grandparents (one's dead by now), twenty aunts and uncles, and possibly a hundred cousins, though since there are so many, nobody bothered to count. He is brown, or if he is from the south, black, and his name is Ram in the north, or Senthilnathavamsirangarajappathy in the south. Let's stick with Ram because obviously it's shorter and has one syllable, compared to the ten in the other name. Ram wants to go to IIT ever since his parents gave birth to him and tried to make him pronounce Indian Institute of Technology after they named him. He goes to a boys' school, and tuition on top of that, thinks girls have cooties, and studies very hard till the sixth grade. This is about the time Johnny is humping his hind of and wasting himself. Meanwhile Ram takes up IIT training in special concentration camps dedicated to help you memorize 6.84 million pages of science so that you can pass the JEE. He comes across girls and might actually start talking to one for the first time, even though they are smart (and hence not pretty). But for the most part, Ram stays at home or in school and studies till his head aches or till the electricity goes off and he can't find the candles, whichever comes first. He starts playing outdated computer games, because his computer is outdated and can't support high-end games, by the time he reaches 10th grade. Meanwhile Johnny is actually living out Grand Theft Auto, one of the games that won't run on Ram's computer, for the uninitiated. Ram starts watching porn, or what he thinks is porn, in the 11th and 12th grade, and Johnny has already done it so many times, if he hadn't used rubber, his offspring could have taken over Sri Lanka. He watches Britney Spears videos in mute, so that his parents don't catch him, and fast-forwards American teen movies to the part where the hot girl is about to take off her shirt, except that she doesn't really because it's censored, and keeps playing it over and over again. Finally, the D-day for Ram arrives, the day of the IIT-JEE. As mentioned before, he is the average Indian kid, and the average Indian kid doesn't get into IIT, because if he did IIT wouldn't be such a great place after all. Only people who can read and memorize formulae even after the lights go off and there are no candles, and know the value of pi till 27 decimal places, get through. So poor Ram ends up in the local engineering college. His seniors rag him and force him to drink liquor. Soon Ram gets hooked onto it, and starts wasting himself pretty regularly. The porn still happens though, because he can't satisfy himself otherwise, unless he is willing to become homo. He doesn't do all that well in exams, and gets a job in a call centre. His parents get him married when he's 24 to a 14 year old girl. He waits till she is old enough to make babies, and then, being celibate for his entire life, screws her every night till he ends up with seven kids. Then he gets cancer, or diabetes, or any other such disease that proliferates in India, and dies slowly and painfully.
Now the question is, which life is more exciting, and which life are you living? Why study your whole life and end up like Ram, when you can waste yourself and enjoy like Johnny. Assuming you're an Indian reading this, I'm pretty sure you know exactly what Ram feels like and that you dream of a life like Johnny's. And the worst thing is Johnny doesn't dream of a life like Ram because he doesn't even know that India exists. If only there weren't IITs and Indian girls were less conservative.

12 comments:

Sap said...

hilarious!

there was an english teacher of mine in school, who quite bemused at the tension we are taking over getting into IITs, once remarked, "the more you study now, the more you have to study in collge, more taxing job will you get, and less time you ll have for all that is pleasurable!"

Saurya Chakraborty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saurya Chakraborty said...

tht's ignorant shit ma nigaa...but ignorance is bliss...so hell yeah!!

siddharth b said...

@sap, i agree wit ur teacher. der shall b a post on the IIT crave in india
@saurya, :D its always funnier if its ignorant.
thanks

Pallav said...

aye aye!!!
waitin for a revolution once we're back!!

divya said...

hehehehe..
seems like inspired from ur experience! wre u just better than ram??
u should have been bron in the west!:P
its hilarious!

α Lyrae said...

hey, it's so funny..but this all is true..we all study so hard all through out the school, and then study harder in the 11th and the 12th..give JEE, and most of us do not get selected and then get screwed..no pleasure nothing. Jhonny's life is good, but his pleasure seems more like an addiction. It's silly but true.

-Vega
(can I add your blog in my blogroll?)

Rishabh Kaul said...

LOL, i guess that sums it up

siddharth b said...

@vega- ya sure

sonam said...

hilarious !!
ur so much better at writing about the lighter things in life!

Aditya Rao said...

:O

Anonymous said...

hilarious!!!(as i'd told u earlier).This is stark reality...we've all gone through this IIT-mania phase...slogged our asses off in 'concentration camps' as u say....well we were 'almost there'(as our dear Onoo used to say)...but not quite there...was it really worth being part of this rat race...?
The article really makes you think about it for a teeny weeny moment...